Will it Kill You?

Finding your own motivation


So after my, what I thought, was an inspirational post last week, It all went to S*#!

I did not make it to the gym once last week, I constantly was craving sweets and gave into those cravings. And I had excuses for everything I did. Because of this I feel like crap, physically and emotionally. This is what I find is the danger of setting goals that are to high and some that are not high enough.  So now I am in quite a depressive funk. I do not want to do anything, I want to eat everything I see.

I know I cannot give in, and I  am going to try really hard not to this week. Hopefully I will be successful and not allow myself to slack off and give into my weaknesses.

I am finding it harder and harder to find time and get the will to go to the gym. I work 7:30 – 2:15 Monday thru Friday at one job. I then work three – five days at my second job from 3-8 on weekdays and from 10-3 on weekends, and adding more and more as we get into spring and them summer. There is also a fifteen minute drive to get the gym. So getting up the effort sometimes is more than I can handle. I know I previously wrote about forcing myself to become obsessed with going to the gym… well I can surely say that it is not working.

Now food is becoming more and more of a problem for me. It is not that I am always hungry, but I feel like I always need to be eating something. I am been craving sweets upon sweets, and MACDONALDS! I just want a Burger and Fries! Even now I want to go get some! UGHH! It does not help that I drive past MacDonald’s every day, and my second job is at a restaurant and Ice cream shop where I am constantly surrounded by food that is horrible for me. This week has really made me consider going to see a nutritionist and getting on a diet plan.

But I think I came up with this weeks motto or question. Will it Kill you?

  • I really want a Burger and Fries! Will it Kill You to not have it? : No, it will be better for you not to eat it and you will survive without it.
  • I want to stay at home on the couch and not go out in the cold to the gum. Will it kill you to go? : No, It will be better to go and burn off, and if you cannot find time to drive to the gym at least watch a video on Youtube that you can work out to.
  • CHOCOLATE CAKE and ICE CREAM! Will it kill you not to eat it? No, there are other ways to get sweets in your life, fruits, yogurt, even frozen yogurt is better than Ice Cream
  • If I give into all of my cravings and laziness. Will it kill me?: It may not instantly, but if I do not start to really take care of my body, I am not going to live long and I am going to lead a life that is unhealthy, bland, and lonely. I will not be able to do all the things I want to  do because of my weight. I will not be able to experience what other are doing, because my weight and health will be holding me  back.

This is it, I need to realize that only I can change how I act. No one else can do it for me. Would it be easier if I was made of money and could hire some one to make all of my food, be a personal trainer, and stop me from doing harmful things, yes it would. But I am not that person. I am human. I will make mistakes. I will stumble and fall. But I am the only one who can pick myself up and carry on.

So Will it Kill Me to keep trying, even in the face on constant failure?         No.

What a Week!

So it was a very long week. I feel like I did a lot, but at the same time not.  I am not on the mission to become obsessed with working out. With that being said. I AM TOTALLY NOT! I hate it so much! But my thought process is that if I try to become someone who always has to go to the gym, than maybe I will at least get there more than I usually do. Which is not often at all. My doctor wants me to work out at least 5 times a week for 45-60 minutes. Really working up a sweat. I almost died when he said this. At the point he had said this I had started to go for walks and I was losing some weight, but that was not enough he said. So now here I am almost a year later and still trying to get to the gym at least three times a week, never mind five!

I most of the time feel good after leaving the gym. The real issue comes from traveling almost twenty minutes to get to it. I have tried to do workouts at home, but they never work. First, I live in a second floor apartment so I have to be mindful of the tenants downstairs. Secondly, there is always something to distract me from doing it. (I own at least 300 books for starters, never mind the television) Finally, I just do not workout as hard when I am at home. I do not know if it is the comfortable setting, or that there is no one there to judge me. But I just get lazy at home.

I am lucky to say that the school I work at have a newly renovated Weight Room, that is free for the staff to use. I am not willing to spend money on a gym, because I know myself and at some point I will stop going. Or so I thought. But it is also nice because not many other staff members use it, so I am always alone when I go. I absolutely hate workout with other people. That only people I feel comfortable working out with is my sister and a small group of very close friends. I have been told that I should not be embarrassed to workout in front of other people. But I cannot help but feel that way. The people I usually see or have seen at the gym, are fit and just need to tone up. I on the other hand  I am extremely over weight and know I do not know how to use half of the equipment that is in there. While I am assured that they are thinking “wow look at her go! She is getting healthy!”. I know that is probably not the case. It is probably more like “Look another fat person attempting  at being good, but she is going to find it to hard and go right back to what she did before.” And that was not the case, at least not anymore. I know you should not dwell on what other people think , but who doesn’t. With all that said, I am trying to get over this fear. It is not going to be easy but I am going to try my best.

So here is to another week of trying to get to the gym as many times as I can!

Deserts, Chocolate, Sweets, Sugar

Sugar Addiction!

I Love Sweets. Especially chocolate. I mean who doesn’t. It is not until recently that I have noticed what a problem this has been.

So what really caught my attention was that Lent started at the beginning of March. Now if you know anything about the Catholic religion and Lent, during the 40 days leading up to Easter, we fast or give up something that we enjoy that we could go without. When we were little it was always sweets, but as we got older we started to give up more “important” things like television for hours a day, or a certain type of music. So sweets just became another thing that was no big deal. This year as I decided what I would give up for Lent, I had a fairly good idea of what I was going to do. And chocolate and sweets were not it. But I did think about it. I told myself that I do not eat enough sweets to need to give it up.

Was I ever wrong!

Because it was on my mind I started paying more attention to how often I had sweets. And I was surprised at how much I ate/craved them! Now I feel like I always want to have something sweet to eat after my meals. It does not help that I work at an ice cream parlor at least four days a week. While I work I sample ice cream a few times a shift. And last night I ended up leaving with a Brownie A la Mode. I even convinced myself that it was okay by looking up the calorie count of each , the brownie and the ice cream, compared to Chocolate Cream Pie with Cream on top. (The other desert I was looking at getting)

I made myself feel okay about eating it, but when I was finished it I felt guilty. It tasted delicious but not delicious enough to out weigh the guilt I felt about eating it. So I am about to admit to being a sugar addict. With saying that I do not know if I am willing to cut sugar out of my life. Do I enjoy it, yes. Do I need it, not really. Do I think I have the personal power to stop eating so much sugar, I do think I do. But I will try. As of today I am going to try to eat more fruits when I crave sugary snacks.

I know this will be really hard. As I am writing this I was a chocolate bar or something. I have already had an apple today, but still I want more!! I need to start packing more fruits for when I am at work. I am going to need to add it to the grocery list this week. So this is the first step to realizing what I need to change in my life. The next is to find possitive altrnative for these bad habits.

After a Break

So it has been a few days…

I went to visit friends over the weekend. St. Patty’s Day weekend. And all in all I do not think I did to bad.

I did have some pizza, and some drinks… or quite a few drinks…, but I also had grill protein, and a salad. Which normally I would have never done. So I am getting more conscience about what I am eating. Especially when I am not going to be getting to the Gym. Which I did not, and I am actually feeling physically bad.

My body is rebelling. I am starting to feel crappy today, and I think it is because I was going to the gym as much as i could last week than I went four days straight not going. So I have to find time in my hectic day to go… It may be a late day for me.


I really Dislike Snow

So in Northern New Hampshire this fine day we are in the mist of getting crazy amounts of snow. This morning I could see grass, know there is snow up to my knees. This morning I was okay with the snow, I did not even let it bother me until about five in the afternoon. All hell broke loose, but I am getting ahead of myself.

So as I said, there was grass this morning. It is also Winter Carnival at the school I work at this week, and to day was Jock Vs. Nerd day. So I got dressed up in my favorite workout clothes, braided my hair, and swiped on some black makeup to stop the glare. To be honest I was the Nerdiest Jock you have ever seen with my big black rimmed glasses, my “Train like a Beast, Look like a Beauty” workout top, and even the pigtail braids did not help my cause. But still I was in good spirits. I was already half ready for an actual work out!

My school had already decieded to have have early release due to the oncoming storm. So when noon hit, and the students and teacher left, I went into the weight-room. I got in 26 minutes on the tredmill and then did some leg work. I felt so pumped! I did not let the weather give me the excuse to do anything!

  • Than it went down hill, personally for me. I had to run to Walmart on the way home to pick up some things. While I was there I grabbed a pre-made salad along with a side of General Tso Chicken. I LOVE chinese food, and I let my gaurd down and allowed my self to get it. And like usual I felt like I was sneaI king something. I am a grown adult I have no one to hide anything from so why do I feel so guilty about these things!

Becaus the only one I am harming is myself that is why…

Well it kind of went down hill from that point on. My music director decided to not cancel practice. So out I went again, the storm getting worse and worse. I was at rehersal for two hours. I made sure to park in a spot that was just plowed. But by the time I got out, I was completely buried. I had no shovel, and there looked to be no hope. But then I have two passing gentelmen help to dig me out! I really could not believe it! I was about to call for help from family and they just appeared! My own little Gaurdian Angels. I got home safely, and I hope something fantastic happens to them to repay them for their good deeds.

When I did get home my Sister’s boyfriend got stuck and could not make it home, so he is staying the night. And still the snow kept falling… They had made little pizza rolls, and I ended up eating a handful of those. So I really did not have a good day food wise. A little while later I did eat the salad as well as a Hot Caoco.

As the evening passed we realized that we should probably go out and do some shoveling, as our landlord had not made it to the house yet. So the three of us spent a good hour out in the knee high, wet, cold, windy night to shovel maybe half the drive way. Then we had no where to put it, and the street had not been plowed either, so we knew it was only a matter of time before that happened and we wouls be stuck all over again.

So as a quick recap of the day:

  • I did a great job being active,
    • 45 mins at the Gym
    • 15 mins digging out my car
    • 60 mins shoveling drive way
  • I did not a good job eating
    • Walmart Generals Tso
    • Pizza Rolls
    • Hot Caoco
  • Goals for tomorrow
    • Still go to the Gym
    • Eat better (track food)
    • Maybe get some cleaning in

Becoming Me

So here I am… trying another bout of trying to lose weight. I feel like I have done everything else. Even gone to the doctors to talk about having weight-loss surgery! I feel so desperate. In the last year I have lost 20lbs, and then gained 8lbs back, and have not lost anything since July.

So this is just another way for me to keep me honest, and hopefully stay on track.

To start with, lets talk about the GOALS! I honestly have not really thought about exactly what my goals will be but I do know some of what I want to do and happen.

  • Be under 200lbs
  • To feel comfortable in my own skin
  • Participate in the Color Run
  • Be Healthy (in general)

Now those are long term, and if I am being honest I do not know if I will achieve any of them, nevermind all of them. But I am trying to stay positive, and I think that is half the challenge.