So far this week I have had ups and downs. It started with my receiving an email from Torrid (the plus size clothing store). They are doing another Model Search! This is the third time they have given this opportunity to becoming a face of Torrid. In the past I have been told, by my mother of all people, that I should apply but I never felt that I was good enough. So this year when I received the email, I decided that I was going to apply. And I am so nervous about it. I am more nervous about actually getting into the top ten than not getting in at all. But we shall see. I will know in September if I actually got in!

Than there was yesterday… So first off at the school I work in, my students are taking a health class. And we are talking nutrition. Which is great! I want my students to know about how to eat well, and stay healthy. What I do not like is that I feel singled out by the teacher. It could be that I am just sensitive to the subject and think that everyone is trying to let me know I am fat and need to lose weight, or it could be that the teacher is judgemental and is trying to give me a hint. Either way I am not comfortable in class. So uncomfortable that I felt that I needed to comfort myself with … you guessed it Food! I ate MacDonald’s yesterday 😦 And I really enjoyed it but then the guilt set in like usual. That and I ate Ice Cream, chocolate and an open bag of Veggie Straws. I did go on the first bike ride I have been on in years that I did not hate every minute of it. I actually cannot wait to go again!

So It has been an up and down week so far, and I am going to try to do better the rest of the week. Which I hope I can do, especially since I am chaperoning a trip to Six Flags on Friday with the chorus from my school. I am very excited to go, but nervous about how I am going to eat on that day. But we shall see…


Hope you all have a fantastic day!


What is wrong with me?

Today has been a tough day. I decided to weigh myself for some reason, and learned that the few pounds I had lost two weeks ago are back. I really have not lost any weight in over a year. I the last few days I have been off track with taken my medication. I feel myself becoming more and more depressed about my life and where I am heading. Which at this point is no where! I am finding less and less time to work out, and find myself make poor food choices. I cannot seem to find anything to motivate myself, and find more and more reasons not to do things. Even when I tell myself that I am not going to give into temptations, I always find myself doing so.

I thought I had found the motivation I needed to become the person I am meant to be. But I guess I haven’t. I thought this blog would help me stay on track more, but I do not think that it is really. Sometimes it makes me feel worse knowing that I am going to write another failure.

I need someone to hold me accountable in my own daily life. And while I could ask my sister, I have a tendency to get mad at her when she tells me not to eat something or to do something. So I could ask a friend, but none of my friends have the same schedules as me, so that will not work either. I am finding more reasons to be discouraged than to be positive lately.

The waking up early and going for a walk before work is not working out. Monday I was to exhausted from my trip to Connecticut to get up early. Tuesday I had a funeral to go to, so I was too sad to get up and go out. Then this morning, I did get out of bed and my sister was going to go with me, but I felt it was too dark to go out and unsafe, as we live in a very sketchy neighborhood. So more failures.

I am planning on doing yard work after I get out of work today, but there is a chance of rain. So that may not happen. I did bring my workout gear to work if it starts raining before I get out I will just stay and use the gym here. (Yes I write my blog at work in my down time) If it starts to rain after I get out of work the goals with be to either go for a walk any way, water will not kill me, or stay in and do a workout video. So we will just have to see about that the day brings.

As for food, I do not do the shopping in my house. That is my sisters job. Yes, she does do a good job, but as she is also the chef in the house she mostly buys for herself. Which again is fine, I cannot complain as I am not a fan of cooking in the least. But I think that this may be the next change. Starting to go shopping with her, and starting to make dinners. That and pre-planning my lunches. Maybe even making them ahead of time! Wouldn’t that be great! I would not have days like today, where I was so down in the morning that I did not bring any food whatsoever. That means another day of school cafeteria food! ( While they would like the world to believe that the food they are serving is so much better and healthier for students now, it is still shitty (pardon the language). But hey that is how I feel today anyway so why not add to it!)

I have also gave myself a goal/reward. If I Lose When I lose 10 pounds I can go and get my hair redone. It already needs to be done, so I feel like it might just be the motivation I need. That is my hope anyway.

I am also thinking about adding a daily food journal to my blog. Another way to keep my honest, and conscience about what I am eating. But we will see. Baby steps, Becca, baby steps.

Sick :(

So far this year I have only been sick once, but of course I had to get sick now of all times. I went home yesterday with a slight fever and an extremely sore throat. Which of course ruins all of my plans. I am singing in a concert next week and I need my voice for it! That and I was planning on going to the gym and doing house work yesterday. Well neither of those things happened at all and that made me feel crappy on a different level. Just another excuse not to be able to workout.

Of course I did not make it better by eating chinese food… My sister and her boyfriend ordered  and since I was not feeling well and it is my favorite food, I gave in and ordered as well. Another failure. Another excuse. Another let down.

I did not ask myself how it would affect my body. I just wanted to make myself Feel Better! So I rested and did nothing at home or at the gym. I ate bad food. I watched a movie and played on my phone.

The only good thing that came from yesterday was that I drank over 13 glasses of water. It seemed to be the only thing that made my throat feel better. I had Luden’s that I was popping all day but they would only work when I was sucking on them. I did have some medicine before bed and feel a little better this morning. I have to work tonight so I will not be getting to the gym again today… So todays goal will be to eat as best as I can and still drink a lot of water.

Is it really okay to cheat?

So on the way to my Chorus rehearsal, I broke down and went to MacDonald’s… I bought a large fry and it was so Goood! I felt a little guilty, but I did not go over my calorie count for the day so not to guilty. I know do not have the urge to go to MacDonald’s though! So that gets to ask the question “Is it really okay to cheat?”.

I have heard that some say it is okay to cheat. That giving into your urges every now and then is good for the long run. You have to live and life has “bad” food involved in it. Others say that you should not cheat. That once you start you never start and you are right back where you started.

I do not know where I stand on this point. I do believe that I am going to live my life the way I want. So that means I will eat chocolate cake, those fries, that hot dog. But on the other hand I have a problems with eating all that is in front of me. So if there is a plate of brownies that is only lasting a few days.  So do I stand firm on one point or the other. No I don’t. I just have to do what I feel is right for me. Like I am trying to make healthy  food choices, but next spring I am going to Disney World and I will be eating and drinking around the world at Epcot.

So is Cheating okay or not? I think it is a personal choice. But you must realize it is going to be hard either way you do it. You just need to know yourself.