So far this week I have had ups and downs. It started with my receiving an email from Torrid (the plus size clothing store). They are doing another Model Search! This is the third time they have given this opportunity to becoming a face of Torrid. In the past I have been told, by my mother of all people, that I should apply but I never felt that I was good enough. So this year when I received the email, I decided that I was going to apply. And I am so nervous about it. I am more nervous about actually getting into the top ten than not getting in at all. But we shall see. I will know in September if I actually got in!

Than there was yesterday… So first off at the school I work in, my students are taking a health class. And we are talking nutrition. Which is great! I want my students to know about how to eat well, and stay healthy. What I do not like is that I feel singled out by the teacher. It could be that I am just sensitive to the subject and think that everyone is trying to let me know I am fat and need to lose weight, or it could be that the teacher is judgemental and is trying to give me a hint. Either way I am not comfortable in class. So uncomfortable that I felt that I needed to comfort myself with … you guessed it Food! I ate MacDonald’s yesterday ­čśŽ And I really enjoyed it but then the guilt set in like usual. That and I ate Ice Cream, chocolate and an open bag of Veggie Straws. I did go on the first bike ride I have been on in years that I did not hate every minute of it. I actually cannot wait to go again!

So It has been an up and down week so far, and I am going to try to do better the rest of the week. Which I hope I can do, especially since I am chaperoning a trip to Six Flags on Friday with the chorus from my school. I am very excited to go, but nervous about how I am going to eat on that day. But we shall see…


Hope you all have a fantastic day!


What to do with Rough Days

So for the past few days I have been very down. More down than normal actually. And it wasn’t some fast acting depressed day, I think it has been creeping up on me for a while. I am normally a happy exuberant person, but lately I have been moody and grumpy. I think all of the stress I am putting on myself is the cause of all my problems. (Oh look more stress again!) I have all these goals for myself. For my health, personal life, and ┬áprofessional life. There is nothing that I do not want to change. And nothing I do is working.

My health first of all, may be the most important thing to be worried about. While I am doing well on my medication for PCOS, that is when I do not forget to take one or two of the four a day dosage that I need to, I still feel like I am not doing enough to help myself. I know I have talked about his before, but I still cannot find time to exercise as much as the doctors want. I am dreading going to the doctors next week to tell them again that I have not lost any weight since the last time I was there, six months ago. I have become more regular, but there is no other changes besides that. I have not lost any weight in over a year! Do you know how depressing that is! I feel like I am trying hard, but nothing is coming from it. Which of course just makes me want to stop, and eat a piece of chocolate cake my sister made at 11:00 at night while I watch Grey’s Anatomy, and not feel guilty about it. Well not super guilty, but a little bit. And by a little bit, I mean waking up this morning feeling crappy about myself. But I am trying to stay positive. My friends all tell me I am perfect as I am. That I am beautiful, and that I am curvy in all the right places, that they wish they had curves like me. But I know they are being nice. I even have their significant others tell me/them that they cannot believe that I am single because what a “great” person I am and how “beautiful” I am. While I know they think that makes me feel better, but it really doesn’t. It just makes it more obvious┬áto me that if I was thin/thinner I would be able to find someone, but because I am not I am probably eternally single…

Which brings us to the second point. How I am trying to make a change in my personal life. The first step to that is really the starting to take online dating seriously. Sort of. I have a fear of meeting people online. I have heard to many horror stories. Of which I belive I have also talked about in a different entry. Anyway, I did take the leap and bought a six month subscription. That being said, I am not a fan of the site I am using. Because I would like to find someone who has the same beliefs that I do, I am on a Catholic dating site. Which makes it hard, because there are very different types of Catholics. From none practicing, hypocritical, average, and super devout. And there is really no way of deciphering which is which. I feel like I am an average Catholic, but from what I can see on the site, most if not all are on the side of devout. That and only one person has gotten in contact with me in the month I have been on it. While I know that the first person who talks to me is not going to probably work out, I still expected to have more communication than nothing. I think the site can be updated and more user-friendly. But all in all it is very discouraging. Which just brings me back to the first issue of my weight. The whole reason I started this blog in the first place. It also doesn’t help that none of my friends have anyone they could set me up with. They are already in a relationship or not good enough for me. So I am stuck in this hard, contradictory place. Everyone saying that I am perfect as I am, and society and its members saying otherwise.

The last reason for stress, is that my full-time job is in and of itself very stressful. I work at a high school as a paraprofessional. So I help students with learning disabilities throughout the school day to pass classes, get work done, and hand in work on time. I am constantly stressed at work. I do not work with hard students perse, but they are disrespectful all of the time and that can wear people down. And that is the point I am at right now. I argue and get sassed all day long. Day in and day out, and I can feel and see myself changing because of it. I used to be this happy-go-lucky person, and in the last three years I have become more cynical and short-tempered. I went to college to be an elementary school teacher, and graduated one of the top of the class. But when I went to take my teacher certification test I failed it. Not only did I fail it once, but another three times when I went to go and take it. Each time I got better, but after taking a test that will “change your life” and you cannot pass it, it really wears down your confidence. The last time I went I missed it by one point. ONE POINT! So I got the first job at a school I could find and took it. My dream is to work with kindergarteners, so working with students nine grades above that age is taking its toll on me. There are the few students who really make be feel like I am doing good, but the majority is making me realize that I am not the kind of person who can work with high school students. It is not helping them or me. So the plan is to try again. And I am Terrified! I am stressing beyond belief, and I have not even made an appointment to take the test yet. This of course is not to say that I hate my students, I do not! I do care for them, they just have been brought up to believe that they are the center of attention and that their every little need and whim is the most important thing. And when you are in a room of twenty who almost all have that mentality, it can be very emotionally draining.

And on top of all of this, we have not seen the sun in over three weeks. It has been cloudy and rainy every day since Easter. And it is physically hurting me at this point. And the few times that the sun has made an appearance it was only for a few minutes and always while I am at one job or the other. Talk about Mother Nature being cruel.

All of these things came to the forefront this week because of a talk with my mother. I love my mother and we are very close. While we live in the same town and see each other multiple times a week I still call her to chat. At the moment she is actually on vacation with my father, so she is not physically here. So I FaceTimed her. Moms have this magic power. I do not know if you have ever experienced it. They know something is wrong even before you do. I was just called to chat and see how their vacation was going, and it turned in to an emotional breakdown on my part. We were on the phone for almost two hours. She could just tell something was up, and with just a few words I was crying and telling her all my worries. Her suggestion is was to only worry about the important things and recognize all the good things that have happened in the past year. How I need to make myself happy before I can worry about others. How even though I have not lost weight I am trying to take care of my body, and to look at how far I have come from the beginning. That to take my life in to my own hands. To go for my test even though I am scared. (Study first, of course) Get the job I want and deserve and get out of the one that is killing my personally and who I am. And the rest will follow. She told me not to dwell on the things that I cannot change, and let God.

So as hard as all those things sound, that is what I am going to try to do. Try and hope for the best. I got up today and in the spirit of trying I got all dolled up for work. I do have a tendency to go a little overboard with my clothes, hair, and makeup but today I do not care what other people think I am going to do what makes me feel good. So today is a red lipstick kind of day with blue winged eye liner and Rosie the Riviter hair. Hopefully this will spark a more positive and up day/week/month/year.

Irrational Behavior

So this is the week my body decides to go crazy. I have had so many ups and downs this week it is almost impossible to keep track of them all. Never mind trying to eat well and exercise. All I want to do is stay on the couch and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and binge watch Gray’s Anatomy.

I can say that I am been making more of an effort to get out an exercise this week. But on the other hand I have not been doing all I can. I have been meaning to get up and go for a walk early in the morning, but every morning when my alarm rings, I hit the snooze button and never get out of bed until I need to get ready for work. I am trying to get better at going to bed earlier so I can get more rest, but I am still so tired when my alarm goes off. And I am at a loss to what I should do about it.

I have, for the most part been eating good and taking my medication. I have only gone over my calorie count one day this week. It was a rough day. I did go for a walk that day and did an at home workout. But still made me feel like a failure. I guess I am not at willing to lose weight as I thought. I need to find someone to be a workout buddy, that will personally get me out of my house and on the road.

So here is to the weekend, and the hope that I will keep up the good work…

Frustration and Stress

So yesterday turned into a bad day. So I was stressed and got into a little verbal argument with my sister, so I went to the store and bought some Gummy Lifesavers and Swedish Fish and ate them all…. I know not the best choices. I did then do and hour of yard work and a 30 min bikini workout. ( I will never be in a bikini, but it was a good all over workout). I do not handle stress well at all. All I want to do is eat junk food and wrap up in a blanket on the couch. The weather also did no help yesterday.

The only really good thing that came out of yesterday was that I found out that I did not miss my important doctors appointment. I was sure that I had missed it and would have to pay a fee and reschedule, but I didn’t! It is actually in a few weeks, so I will have time to go get the blood tests I need. I am again disappointed that I have not lost any more weight since my last appointment, but at least I know that my hormones are on a more appropriate track and my body is doing what it is supposed to be. Finally.

I am feeling better today though. I think there was a combination of things that were working against me yesterday. I am more positive and ready to take on the challenges of  the life I want to lead. So onto bigger and better things.

Rainy Days

Rain, rain, rain. It is no longer April but the rain still keeps coming! And it is effecting my morning walks. So much so that I have not gone on one yet this week! That and the weather just makes me want to stay at home and curl up on the couch and read/watch TV. This is a lot to battle against, but I am trying. I have also been SO HUNGRY the last few days. I am tracking all my food but I just am constantly looking for food to eat. This is made even harder when I am working at the restaurant where I am in constant contact with ice cream and fried food. So hard! But I have to keep on trying.

I did end up weighing my self this morning and I gained the two pounds I had lost last week back. No so excited about that. Actually making me feel a little crappy about myself … This is something I know never helps me. I was also complimented yesterday on my looks. It is was nice to hear and I thanked them, but I also told them that they were being to nice. I just do not feel like I can look good or attractive this much over weight. With that being said I also decided to join a dating site yesterday as well, which is what sparked the compliment in the first place. In the site it asked about body type and they gave five choices (Slender, Athletic, Average, A Few Extra Pounds, and Heavyset). While they are some choices, I do not feel that they give enough variety. While I know I am over A Few Extra Pounds, I do not like the term Heavyset. It is not flattering I am more for Curvy or Voluptuous. But I am not the designer of the site, so I have no say. Heavyset it is. I just feel that I am not going to get anyone who is willing to get to know me first without looking judging me for my looks. While I did post photos of myself head to toe, I also chose to pick the most flattering ones I can. Who wouldn’t right?

Not only that, I am also terrified on online dating, but I feel it is the only way I am going to meet anyone. I am to busy to be out partying and meeting new people in my hometown. That and I do not want to meet someone who is going to party all of the time. I am not that kind of person. So online dating it is and we will see how it goes.

What to do..

So I was and am pumped about my day yesterday. It was so good and I was proud of myself. I ate all of my calorie count yesterday, I did not go over though. I always struggle with trying to keep under my calorie count, or just eating it all. My brain says that the less I eat the more weight I will lose, but I know that is not the case. But sometimes I still think that the less I eat the more I will lose. I read an article yesterday on that said you should/need to eat all of your calories, because your body still needs them to function properly to lose the weight. If you starve your body than it becomes weak and your metabolism with slow down not allowing you to lose anything. So I ate all of my calories. I felt okay about it. I still felt like the less I ate that day the better it would be.

I have been feeling very down about my progress. It have been over a year since I have lost any substantial wight. The only think I have to show for my work so far is that I am now having a regular menstrual cycle, compared to when I basically was never having one. While this is a very big, good, healthy change in my life there has not been any other changes. So now I feel like I am fighting myself constantly. And feeling down just makes me want to eat more. So the evil cycle begins. One more thing I have to fight.

I did have my whole day planned out last night. It is the Friday before school vacation starts, so I knew that my students would be off the wall. Which is okay because I feel off the wall myself, everyone needs a vacation. I was going to get up early and go for another early walk, go to work, hit the gym after work, go to my friend’s house to help plan a bridal shower, have dinner there, probably some drinks, and then go home. Sounds great right. The only worry was what my friend was cooking for supper, Hot Dogs (yum though!). But if I planned my meals right it should be alright. If only life worked out the way I wanted it to.

I woke up at 5:30, as I was planning to do, went to the bathroom, started the coffee, and then looked outside. It was pouring! Like close to torrential downpouring! There was no way I was going for a walk. That and my walking buddy had not gotten up, because she did not think we were going for a walk. That was okay though I knew I was working later in the day so I was not worried. I got ready for work, packed a lunch, and packed my gym bag. I got to work, and now I am realizing that I never packed my sneakers. I left them at home, in my mudroom, the next town over. I am not going to the gym in knee-high boots. So I am going to go home and do things there. This causes another problem. I am not going to want to do anything when I get home…

But I am going to try either a walk or an online video. I may opt for the video so I will sweat more and my doctor specifically said that I need to work out for 45 mins that causes sweat for it to work with my PCOS. So that is what I will probably do, that and it is still rainy and gloomy outside.

What is wrong with me?

Today has been a tough day. I decided to weigh myself for some reason, and learned that the few pounds I had lost two weeks ago are back. I really have not lost any weight in over a year. I the last few days I have been off track with taken my medication. I feel myself becoming more and more depressed about my life and where I am heading. Which at this point is no where! I am finding less and less time to work out, and find myself make poor food choices. I cannot seem to find anything to motivate myself, and find more and more reasons not to do things. Even when I tell myself that I am not going to give into temptations, I always find myself doing so.

I thought I had found the motivation I needed to become the person I am meant to be. But I guess I haven’t. I thought this blog would help me stay on track more, but I do not think that it is really. Sometimes it makes me feel worse knowing that I am going to write another failure.

I need someone to hold me accountable in my own daily life. And while I could ask my sister, I have a tendency to get mad at her when she tells me not to eat something or to do something. So I could ask a friend, but none of my friends have the same schedules as me, so that will not work either. I am finding more reasons to be discouraged than to be positive lately.

The waking up early and going for a walk before work is not working out. Monday I was to exhausted from my trip to Connecticut to get up early. Tuesday I had a funeral to go to, so I was too sad to get up and go out. Then this morning, I did get out of bed and my sister was going to go with me, but I felt it was too dark to go out and unsafe, as we live in a very sketchy neighborhood. So more failures.

I am planning on doing yard work after I get out of work today, but there is a chance of rain. So that may not happen. I did bring my workout gear to work if it starts raining before I get out I will just stay and use the gym here. (Yes I write my blog at work in my down time) If it starts to rain after I get out of work the goals with be to either go for a walk any way, water will not kill me, or stay in and do a workout video. So we will just have to see about that the day brings.

As for food, I do not do the shopping in my house. That is my sisters job. Yes, she does do a good job, but as she is also the chef in the house she mostly buys for herself. Which again is fine, I cannot complain as I am not a fan of cooking in the least. But I think that this may be the next change. Starting to go shopping with her, and starting to make dinners. That and pre-planning my lunches. Maybe even making them ahead of time! Wouldn’t that be great! I would not have days like today, where I was so down in the morning that I did not bring any food whatsoever. That means another day of school cafeteria food! ( While they would like the world to believe that the food they are serving is so much better and healthier for students now, it is still shitty (pardon the language). But hey that is how I feel today anyway so why not add to it!)

I have also gave myself a goal/reward. If I Lose When I lose 10 pounds I can go and get my hair redone. It already needs to be done, so I feel like it might just be the motivation I need. That is my hope anyway.

I am also thinking about adding a daily food journal to my blog. Another way to keep my honest, and conscience about what I am eating. But we will see. Baby steps, Becca, baby steps.