Feeling Better?

So after the decision to apply for the Torrid Model Search, I have felt quite the change in my mental attitude. I feel happier and more confident. And it is a great feeling! I do not know what was stopping me from not feeling this way about myself sooner! Now all I have to do is keep up this feeling. I have been tracking all of my food, doing quite a lot of walking over the weekend, and feel great. (Even if I stayed up way to late last night watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix last night)

It has me thinking about confidence and how it plays such a large part of who we are and how we act. How while I hate it when I get told I should have more confidence in myself I hate it more when I realize how right people are when I am. I feels amazing not questioning myself in what I do, what I wear, and what I weight. It is defiantly a feeling I do not want to forget anytime soon.

I just hate how it is so much easier to say that you are going to always be confident than it is to actually always be confident. Like yesterday, looking in the full length mirror, I felt awesome! I was decked in Red, White, and Blue for Memorial Day and I was ready to take selfies-for-days. But then I took the selfie and all I saw a small head over huge shoulders and gigantic boobs. My high was instantly over. I posted no pictures, that just seconds before I was asking my sister to take to post a OOTD photo. Haveing confidence in so hard to gain and so easy to lose. But I have to remember that all the work to get it is worth it.

So be confident even if you do not feel it or think it is possible. I may not always work, I sure doesn’t for me. But I have to belive that it gets easier, that it will be better. We have to try.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

What to do with Rough Days

So for the past few days I have been very down. More down than normal actually. And it wasn’t some fast acting depressed day, I think it has been creeping up on me for a while. I am normally a happy exuberant person, but lately I have been moody and grumpy. I think all of the stress I am putting on myself is the cause of all my problems. (Oh look more stress again!) I have all these goals for myself. For my health, personal life, and  professional life. There is nothing that I do not want to change. And nothing I do is working.

My health first of all, may be the most important thing to be worried about. While I am doing well on my medication for PCOS, that is when I do not forget to take one or two of the four a day dosage that I need to, I still feel like I am not doing enough to help myself. I know I have talked about his before, but I still cannot find time to exercise as much as the doctors want. I am dreading going to the doctors next week to tell them again that I have not lost any weight since the last time I was there, six months ago. I have become more regular, but there is no other changes besides that. I have not lost any weight in over a year! Do you know how depressing that is! I feel like I am trying hard, but nothing is coming from it. Which of course just makes me want to stop, and eat a piece of chocolate cake my sister made at 11:00 at night while I watch Grey’s Anatomy, and not feel guilty about it. Well not super guilty, but a little bit. And by a little bit, I mean waking up this morning feeling crappy about myself. But I am trying to stay positive. My friends all tell me I am perfect as I am. That I am beautiful, and that I am curvy in all the right places, that they wish they had curves like me. But I know they are being nice. I even have their significant others tell me/them that they cannot believe that I am single because what a “great” person I am and how “beautiful” I am. While I know they think that makes me feel better, but it really doesn’t. It just makes it more obvious to me that if I was thin/thinner I would be able to find someone, but because I am not I am probably eternally single…

Which brings us to the second point. How I am trying to make a change in my personal life. The first step to that is really the starting to take online dating seriously. Sort of. I have a fear of meeting people online. I have heard to many horror stories. Of which I belive I have also talked about in a different entry. Anyway, I did take the leap and bought a six month subscription. That being said, I am not a fan of the site I am using. Because I would like to find someone who has the same beliefs that I do, I am on a Catholic dating site. Which makes it hard, because there are very different types of Catholics. From none practicing, hypocritical, average, and super devout. And there is really no way of deciphering which is which. I feel like I am an average Catholic, but from what I can see on the site, most if not all are on the side of devout. That and only one person has gotten in contact with me in the month I have been on it. While I know that the first person who talks to me is not going to probably work out, I still expected to have more communication than nothing. I think the site can be updated and more user-friendly. But all in all it is very discouraging. Which just brings me back to the first issue of my weight. The whole reason I started this blog in the first place. It also doesn’t help that none of my friends have anyone they could set me up with. They are already in a relationship or not good enough for me. So I am stuck in this hard, contradictory place. Everyone saying that I am perfect as I am, and society and its members saying otherwise.

The last reason for stress, is that my full-time job is in and of itself very stressful. I work at a high school as a paraprofessional. So I help students with learning disabilities throughout the school day to pass classes, get work done, and hand in work on time. I am constantly stressed at work. I do not work with hard students perse, but they are disrespectful all of the time and that can wear people down. And that is the point I am at right now. I argue and get sassed all day long. Day in and day out, and I can feel and see myself changing because of it. I used to be this happy-go-lucky person, and in the last three years I have become more cynical and short-tempered. I went to college to be an elementary school teacher, and graduated one of the top of the class. But when I went to take my teacher certification test I failed it. Not only did I fail it once, but another three times when I went to go and take it. Each time I got better, but after taking a test that will “change your life” and you cannot pass it, it really wears down your confidence. The last time I went I missed it by one point. ONE POINT! So I got the first job at a school I could find and took it. My dream is to work with kindergarteners, so working with students nine grades above that age is taking its toll on me. There are the few students who really make be feel like I am doing good, but the majority is making me realize that I am not the kind of person who can work with high school students. It is not helping them or me. So the plan is to try again. And I am Terrified! I am stressing beyond belief, and I have not even made an appointment to take the test yet. This of course is not to say that I hate my students, I do not! I do care for them, they just have been brought up to believe that they are the center of attention and that their every little need and whim is the most important thing. And when you are in a room of twenty who almost all have that mentality, it can be very emotionally draining.

And on top of all of this, we have not seen the sun in over three weeks. It has been cloudy and rainy every day since Easter. And it is physically hurting me at this point. And the few times that the sun has made an appearance it was only for a few minutes and always while I am at one job or the other. Talk about Mother Nature being cruel.

All of these things came to the forefront this week because of a talk with my mother. I love my mother and we are very close. While we live in the same town and see each other multiple times a week I still call her to chat. At the moment she is actually on vacation with my father, so she is not physically here. So I FaceTimed her. Moms have this magic power. I do not know if you have ever experienced it. They know something is wrong even before you do. I was just called to chat and see how their vacation was going, and it turned in to an emotional breakdown on my part. We were on the phone for almost two hours. She could just tell something was up, and with just a few words I was crying and telling her all my worries. Her suggestion is was to only worry about the important things and recognize all the good things that have happened in the past year. How I need to make myself happy before I can worry about others. How even though I have not lost weight I am trying to take care of my body, and to look at how far I have come from the beginning. That to take my life in to my own hands. To go for my test even though I am scared. (Study first, of course) Get the job I want and deserve and get out of the one that is killing my personally and who I am. And the rest will follow. She told me not to dwell on the things that I cannot change, and let God.

So as hard as all those things sound, that is what I am going to try to do. Try and hope for the best. I got up today and in the spirit of trying I got all dolled up for work. I do have a tendency to go a little overboard with my clothes, hair, and makeup but today I do not care what other people think I am going to do what makes me feel good. So today is a red lipstick kind of day with blue winged eye liner and Rosie the Riviter hair. Hopefully this will spark a more positive and up day/week/month/year.

Getting Better?

So Overall I had a great weekend. I stayed on track and got out and did some exercises. I am trying to make a more conscious effort to try to get some amount of exercise in every day. While it may not be the  exact time or excretion that my doctor wants, I am at least hoping the little is better than none. But I will find out next week when I have my appointment.

With all the rain that I have been having it is hard to find motivation to get up and going. I am also house sitting for someone, and I do not sleep well when I am out of my own bed. So on top of the crappy weather, I am also now low on sleep, or good sleep. Which of course makes me even more lethargic. Another stone to crawl over on my journey to becoming a healthier me. But I have recently gotten a new phone that comes with a built-in pedometer! So I find myself paying attention to that more. And I have a goal of walking about 2 miles a day and more would be better. But I also find that I do not always have my phone on my person that defeats the purpose. Almost makes me want to get a FitBit…. almost.

Irrational Behavior

So this is the week my body decides to go crazy. I have had so many ups and downs this week it is almost impossible to keep track of them all. Never mind trying to eat well and exercise. All I want to do is stay on the couch and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and binge watch Gray’s Anatomy.

I can say that I am been making more of an effort to get out an exercise this week. But on the other hand I have not been doing all I can. I have been meaning to get up and go for a walk early in the morning, but every morning when my alarm rings, I hit the snooze button and never get out of bed until I need to get ready for work. I am trying to get better at going to bed earlier so I can get more rest, but I am still so tired when my alarm goes off. And I am at a loss to what I should do about it.

I have, for the most part been eating good and taking my medication. I have only gone over my calorie count one day this week. It was a rough day. I did go for a walk that day and did an at home workout. But still made me feel like a failure. I guess I am not at willing to lose weight as I thought. I need to find someone to be a workout buddy, that will personally get me out of my house and on the road.

So here is to the weekend, and the hope that I will keep up the good work…

Vacation is Over.

Hello everyone! Back from vacation and feeling good.  I think I did okay during vacation, I tried to stay on track with my calorie intake and for the most part I stayed under everyday! I had weighed myself in the middle of the week and was down a few pounds! So I was super pumped!  I was able to go for a few walks on my days off that were actually nice… Which was not much. I rained on almost all of my days off! 😦 That is really disheartening to say the least. I am really ready to be outside! But on the few times that I did get out I went with some friends and they showed me a new walking path that is gorgeous! So I am excited to go again!

The only major down fall was a Bridal shower that I was at on Saturday night. I ate a lot of the fruit that was there, but also the dips, chips, and sandwiches. I also had a few drinks, probably more than I should have… But tis life right. I am not to discouraged about my choices, but that in itself makes me feel bad. I should not be content with not doing well for the sake of having “fun”.

So onto this week. Another new start. Another go at being a healthier me.

Lets see how it goes!14-pennant-clip-art-free-cliparts-that-you-can-download-to-you-melfqq-clipart

What is wrong with me?

Today has been a tough day. I decided to weigh myself for some reason, and learned that the few pounds I had lost two weeks ago are back. I really have not lost any weight in over a year. I the last few days I have been off track with taken my medication. I feel myself becoming more and more depressed about my life and where I am heading. Which at this point is no where! I am finding less and less time to work out, and find myself make poor food choices. I cannot seem to find anything to motivate myself, and find more and more reasons not to do things. Even when I tell myself that I am not going to give into temptations, I always find myself doing so.

I thought I had found the motivation I needed to become the person I am meant to be. But I guess I haven’t. I thought this blog would help me stay on track more, but I do not think that it is really. Sometimes it makes me feel worse knowing that I am going to write another failure.

I need someone to hold me accountable in my own daily life. And while I could ask my sister, I have a tendency to get mad at her when she tells me not to eat something or to do something. So I could ask a friend, but none of my friends have the same schedules as me, so that will not work either. I am finding more reasons to be discouraged than to be positive lately.

The waking up early and going for a walk before work is not working out. Monday I was to exhausted from my trip to Connecticut to get up early. Tuesday I had a funeral to go to, so I was too sad to get up and go out. Then this morning, I did get out of bed and my sister was going to go with me, but I felt it was too dark to go out and unsafe, as we live in a very sketchy neighborhood. So more failures.

I am planning on doing yard work after I get out of work today, but there is a chance of rain. So that may not happen. I did bring my workout gear to work if it starts raining before I get out I will just stay and use the gym here. (Yes I write my blog at work in my down time) If it starts to rain after I get out of work the goals with be to either go for a walk any way, water will not kill me, or stay in and do a workout video. So we will just have to see about that the day brings.

As for food, I do not do the shopping in my house. That is my sisters job. Yes, she does do a good job, but as she is also the chef in the house she mostly buys for herself. Which again is fine, I cannot complain as I am not a fan of cooking in the least. But I think that this may be the next change. Starting to go shopping with her, and starting to make dinners. That and pre-planning my lunches. Maybe even making them ahead of time! Wouldn’t that be great! I would not have days like today, where I was so down in the morning that I did not bring any food whatsoever. That means another day of school cafeteria food! ( While they would like the world to believe that the food they are serving is so much better and healthier for students now, it is still shitty (pardon the language). But hey that is how I feel today anyway so why not add to it!)

I have also gave myself a goal/reward. If I Lose When I lose 10 pounds I can go and get my hair redone. It already needs to be done, so I feel like it might just be the motivation I need. That is my hope anyway.

I am also thinking about adding a daily food journal to my blog. Another way to keep my honest, and conscience about what I am eating. But we will see. Baby steps, Becca, baby steps.

New View on Life

So I had quite the experience last night. For two reasons, one good and one bad. I will lead in with the good. For those of you that did not know, or who are not religious, this week is Holy Week. It is the week Christians remember what Jesus did for us. At my church last night I was able to participate in what is called a Tenebrae service, remembering the sorrow that He went through for us. I was part of the acapella choir, with a solo, and it was one of the most peaceful and moving experiences I have ever been a part of.

Now onto the bad. I was almost in a very bad accident. It was about 8:30 at night, and I was going to pick up my dogs from my parents, after I left church. The car had crossed over into my lane and did not move back over. My immediate thought was that the driver had passed out, or was inebriated in some way. So I swerved to the side and laid on my horn. The car missed me, but just barely. It hit the car behind me at full speed, but only side swiping it. No one was hurt, but I still cannot believe that me or my car got away without a scratch. I know that my Guardian Angel was watching over me last night!

Even though I was not hit, I stayed until the police arrived. I was a witness and wanted to make sure that everyone was alright and the police did not need anything from me. They took my information and then said I was alright to go. When I got to my parents, my adrenaline wore off, and I went into shock a little. My parents feed me, my blood sugar was low due to not eating since lunch, and were ready to drive me home, but I assured them I was alright. And I was, once I calmed down. I did have a glass of wine when I got home though. That really helped me to relax and then sleep great.

So today, the world had a bit of a different view. I did not have the life flash before my eyes, but I do think that some of the things that have been worrying me lately are not as worrisome as I thought they were. I am young, relatively healthy, working on being healthier. I have a job, two actually. I have a family that loves me and cares for me. I have friends, who are always there for me. And I can do anything I want if I just put my mind to it. So here is to a new start, and not stressing about the little things and realizing that there is a higher plan for me.

(P.S. I even splurged this morning and bought my students Munchkins at Dunkin Donuts. I normally don’t do that unless it is a special occasion, but I just felt like it today, and I felt good to just do something because. They loved it and they did not last more than one block and I even had a few. This may be another new goal, randomly doing nice things!)