EEE-Boy

So far this week I have had ups and downs. It started with my receiving an email from Torrid (the plus size clothing store). They are doing another Model Search! This is the third time they have given this opportunity to becoming a face of Torrid. In the past I have been told, by my mother of all people, that I should apply but I never felt that I was good enough. So this year when I received the email, I decided that I was going to apply. And I am so nervous about it. I am more nervous about actually getting into the top ten than not getting in at all. But we shall see. I will know in September if I actually got in!

Than there was yesterday… So first off at the school I work in, my students are taking a health class. And we are talking nutrition. Which is great! I want my students to know about how to eat well, and stay healthy. What I do not like is that I feel singled out by the teacher. It could be that I am just sensitive to the subject and think that everyone is trying to let me know I am fat and need to lose weight, or it could be that the teacher is judgemental and is trying to give me a hint. Either way I am not comfortable in class. So uncomfortable that I felt that I needed to comfort myself with … you guessed it Food! I ate MacDonald’s yesterday ­čśŽ And I really enjoyed it but then the guilt set in like usual. That and I ate Ice Cream, chocolate and an open bag of Veggie Straws. I did go on the first bike ride I have been on in years that I did not hate every minute of it. I actually cannot wait to go again!

So It has been an up and down week so far, and I am going to try to do better the rest of the week. Which I hope I can do, especially since I am chaperoning a trip to Six Flags on Friday with the chorus from my school. I am very excited to go, but nervous about how I am going to eat on that day. But we shall see…

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Hope you all have a fantastic day!

What to do with Rough Days

So for the past few days I have been very down. More down than normal actually. And it wasn’t some fast acting depressed day, I think it has been creeping up on me for a while. I am normally a happy exuberant person, but lately I have been moody and grumpy. I think all of the stress I am putting on myself is the cause of all my problems. (Oh look more stress again!) I have all these goals for myself. For my health, personal life, and ┬áprofessional life. There is nothing that I do not want to change. And nothing I do is working.

My health first of all, may be the most important thing to be worried about. While I am doing well on my medication for PCOS, that is when I do not forget to take one or two of the four a day dosage that I need to, I still feel like I am not doing enough to help myself. I know I have talked about his before, but I still cannot find time to exercise as much as the doctors want. I am dreading going to the doctors next week to tell them again that I have not lost any weight since the last time I was there, six months ago. I have become more regular, but there is no other changes besides that. I have not lost any weight in over a year! Do you know how depressing that is! I feel like I am trying hard, but nothing is coming from it. Which of course just makes me want to stop, and eat a piece of chocolate cake my sister made at 11:00 at night while I watch Grey’s Anatomy, and not feel guilty about it. Well not super guilty, but a little bit. And by a little bit, I mean waking up this morning feeling crappy about myself. But I am trying to stay positive. My friends all tell me I am perfect as I am. That I am beautiful, and that I am curvy in all the right places, that they wish they had curves like me. But I know they are being nice. I even have their significant others tell me/them that they cannot believe that I am single because what a “great” person I am and how “beautiful” I am. While I know they think that makes me feel better, but it really doesn’t. It just makes it more obvious┬áto me that if I was thin/thinner I would be able to find someone, but because I am not I am probably eternally single…

Which brings us to the second point. How I am trying to make a change in my personal life. The first step to that is really the starting to take online dating seriously. Sort of. I have a fear of meeting people online. I have heard to many horror stories. Of which I belive I have also talked about in a different entry. Anyway, I did take the leap and bought a six month subscription. That being said, I am not a fan of the site I am using. Because I would like to find someone who has the same beliefs that I do, I am on a Catholic dating site. Which makes it hard, because there are very different types of Catholics. From none practicing, hypocritical, average, and super devout. And there is really no way of deciphering which is which. I feel like I am an average Catholic, but from what I can see on the site, most if not all are on the side of devout. That and only one person has gotten in contact with me in the month I have been on it. While I know that the first person who talks to me is not going to probably work out, I still expected to have more communication than nothing. I think the site can be updated and more user-friendly. But all in all it is very discouraging. Which just brings me back to the first issue of my weight. The whole reason I started this blog in the first place. It also doesn’t help that none of my friends have anyone they could set me up with. They are already in a relationship or not good enough for me. So I am stuck in this hard, contradictory place. Everyone saying that I am perfect as I am, and society and its members saying otherwise.

The last reason for stress, is that my full-time job is in and of itself very stressful. I work at a high school as a paraprofessional. So I help students with learning disabilities throughout the school day to pass classes, get work done, and hand in work on time. I am constantly stressed at work. I do not work with hard students perse, but they are disrespectful all of the time and that can wear people down. And that is the point I am at right now. I argue and get sassed all day long. Day in and day out, and I can feel and see myself changing because of it. I used to be this happy-go-lucky person, and in the last three years I have become more cynical and short-tempered. I went to college to be an elementary school teacher, and graduated one of the top of the class. But when I went to take my teacher certification test I failed it. Not only did I fail it once, but another three times when I went to go and take it. Each time I got better, but after taking a test that will “change your life” and you cannot pass it, it really wears down your confidence. The last time I went I missed it by one point. ONE POINT! So I got the first job at a school I could find and took it. My dream is to work with kindergarteners, so working with students nine grades above that age is taking its toll on me. There are the few students who really make be feel like I am doing good, but the majority is making me realize that I am not the kind of person who can work with high school students. It is not helping them or me. So the plan is to try again. And I am Terrified! I am stressing beyond belief, and I have not even made an appointment to take the test yet. This of course is not to say that I hate my students, I do not! I do care for them, they just have been brought up to believe that they are the center of attention and that their every little need and whim is the most important thing. And when you are in a room of twenty who almost all have that mentality, it can be very emotionally draining.

And on top of all of this, we have not seen the sun in over three weeks. It has been cloudy and rainy every day since Easter. And it is physically hurting me at this point. And the few times that the sun has made an appearance it was only for a few minutes and always while I am at one job or the other. Talk about Mother Nature being cruel.

All of these things came to the forefront this week because of a talk with my mother. I love my mother and we are very close. While we live in the same town and see each other multiple times a week I still call her to chat. At the moment she is actually on vacation with my father, so she is not physically here. So I FaceTimed her. Moms have this magic power. I do not know if you have ever experienced it. They know something is wrong even before you do. I was just called to chat and see how their vacation was going, and it turned in to an emotional breakdown on my part. We were on the phone for almost two hours. She could just tell something was up, and with just a few words I was crying and telling her all my worries. Her suggestion is was to only worry about the important things and recognize all the good things that have happened in the past year. How I need to make myself happy before I can worry about others. How even though I have not lost weight I am trying to take care of my body, and to look at how far I have come from the beginning. That to take my life in to my own hands. To go for my test even though I am scared. (Study first, of course) Get the job I want and deserve and get out of the one that is killing my personally and who I am. And the rest will follow. She told me not to dwell on the things that I cannot change, and let God.

So as hard as all those things sound, that is what I am going to try to do. Try and hope for the best. I got up today and in the spirit of trying I got all dolled up for work. I do have a tendency to go a little overboard with my clothes, hair, and makeup but today I do not care what other people think I am going to do what makes me feel good. So today is a red lipstick kind of day with blue winged eye liner and Rosie the Riviter hair. Hopefully this will spark a more positive and up day/week/month/year.

Irrational Behavior

So this is the week my body decides to go crazy. I have had so many ups and downs this week it is almost impossible to keep track of them all. Never mind trying to eat well and exercise. All I want to do is stay on the couch and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and binge watch Gray’s Anatomy.

I can say that I am been making more of an effort to get out an exercise this week. But on the other hand I have not been doing all I can. I have been meaning to get up and go for a walk early in the morning, but every morning when my alarm rings, I hit the snooze button and never get out of bed until I need to get ready for work. I am trying to get better at going to bed earlier so I can get more rest, but I am still so tired when my alarm goes off. And I am at a loss to what I should do about it.

I have, for the most part been eating good and taking my medication. I have only gone over my calorie count one day this week. It was a rough day. I did go for a walk that day and did an at home workout. But still made me feel like a failure. I guess I am not at willing to lose weight as I thought. I need to find someone to be a workout buddy, that will personally get me out of my house and on the road.

So here is to the weekend, and the hope that I will keep up the good work…

Frustration and Stress

So yesterday turned into a bad day. So I was stressed and got into a little verbal argument with my sister, so I went to the store and bought some Gummy Lifesavers and Swedish Fish and ate them all…. I know not the best choices. I did then do and hour of yard work and a 30 min bikini workout. ( I will never be in a bikini, but it was a good all over workout). I do not handle stress well at all. All I want to do is eat junk food and wrap up in a blanket on the couch. The weather also did no help yesterday.

The only really good thing that came out of yesterday was that I found out that I did not miss my important doctors appointment. I was sure that I had missed it and would have to pay a fee and reschedule, but I didn’t! It is actually in a few weeks, so I will have time to go get the blood tests I need. I am again disappointed that I have not lost any more weight since my last appointment, but at least I know that my hormones are on a more appropriate track and my body is doing what it is supposed to be. Finally.

I am feeling better today though. I think there was a combination of things that were working against me yesterday. I am more positive and ready to take on the challenges of  the life I want to lead. So onto bigger and better things.