Feeling Better?

So after the decision to apply for the Torrid Model Search, I have felt quite the change in my mental attitude. I feel happier and more confident. And it is a great feeling! I do not know what was stopping me from not feeling this way about myself sooner! Now all I have to do is keep up this feeling. I have been tracking all of my food, doing quite a lot of walking over the weekend, and feel great. (Even if I stayed up way to late last night watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix last night)

It has me thinking about confidence and how it plays such a large part of who we are and how we act. How while I hate it when I get told I should have more confidence in myself I hate it more when I realize how right people are when I am. I feels amazing not questioning myself in what I do, what I wear, and what I weight. It is defiantly a feeling I do not want to forget anytime soon.

I just hate how it is so much easier to say that you are going to always be confident than it is to actually always be confident. Like yesterday, looking in the full length mirror, I felt awesome! I was decked in Red, White, and Blue for Memorial Day and I was ready to take selfies-for-days. But then I took the selfie and all I saw a small head over huge shoulders and gigantic boobs. My high was instantly over. I posted no pictures, that just seconds before I was asking my sister to take to post a OOTD photo. Haveing confidence in so hard to gain and so easy to lose. But I have to remember that all the work to get it is worth it.

So be confident even if you do not feel it or think it is possible. I may not always work, I sure doesn’t for me. But I have to belive that it gets easier, that it will be better. We have to try.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

Mistakes…

So I gave in last night. I had a fried chicken sandwich and a Poutine for supper.. If you do not know what poutine is, it is this amazing Canadian dish, made with french fries, cheese, and gravy. Sooo good, but also Sooo bad for you. But I was honest on my calorie count and added it all in. Even with that I was still not over my count for the day. Which surprised me. I did not starve myself all day so I could save up my calories to eat it, but I still have a little over a hundred calories left. I hope I am doing this right. Anyway, it was really good, but I need to start making better choices about my food intake.

I had planned to workout last night when I got home from my second job, but of course by the time I did get home I was to tired and in pain to do so. It had not been busy at the restaurant, but I did have to clean and defrost two of the Ice Cream Freezers and transfer about 40 five gallon tubs of Ice Cream around to do so. All on top of actually doing my job. So I did have a workout in a sense. But I have a hard time counting what I do in my job as a workout/exercise. Because if it was i would not be in the state I am in. I have worked at the restaurant going on 10 years in September. And if what I do as a job did make a difference, I have never seen it.

I am hoping on going for a walk after school today with my sister and the dogs. That is if the weather holds out on us. All it has been is rain and cold and mist. The only time the sun comes out is to then set, and make people want to go get Ice Cream. Oh did I mention that the sun only comes out when I am at the restaurant working. Yep, every, single, time. That can get kind of frustrating. So when I am not working the weather is not condusive for me to go outside and get a workout in.

poutine1

What to do..

So I was and am pumped about my day yesterday. It was so good and I was proud of myself. I ate all of my calorieĀ count yesterday, I did not go over though. I always struggle with trying to keep under my calorie count, or just eating it all. My brain says that the less I eat the more weight I will lose, but I know that is not the case. But sometimes I still think that the less I eat the more I will lose. I read an article yesterday on Sparkpeople.com that said you should/need to eat all of your calories, because your body still needs them to function properly to lose the weight. If you starve your body than it becomes weak and your metabolism with slow down not allowing you to lose anything. So I ate all of my calories. I feltĀ okay about it. I still felt like the less I ate that day the better it would be.

I have been feeling very down about my progress. It have been over a year since I have lost any substantial wight. The only think I have to show for my work so far is that I am now having a regular menstrual cycle, compared to when I basically was never having one. While this is a very big, good, healthy change in my life there has not been any other changes. So now I feel like I am fighting myself constantly. And feeling down just makes me want to eat more. So the evil cycle begins. One more thing I have to fight.

I did have my whole day planned out last night. It is the Friday before school vacation starts, so I knew that my students would be off the wall. Which is okay because I feel off the wall myself, everyone needs a vacation. I was going to get up early and go for another early walk, go to work, hit the gym after work, go to my friend’s house to help plan a bridal shower, have dinner there, probably some drinks, and then go home. Sounds great right. The only worry was what my friend was cooking for supper, Hot Dogs (yum though!). But if I planned my meals right it should be alright. If only life worked out the way I wanted it to.

I woke up at 5:30, as I was planning to do, went to the bathroom, started the coffee, and then looked outside. It was pouring! Like close to torrential downpouring! There was no way I was going for a walk. That and my walking buddy had not gotten up, because she did not think we were going for a walk. That was okay though I knew I was working later in the day so I was not worried. I got ready for work, packed a lunch, and packed my gym bag. I got to work, and now I am realizing that I never packed my sneakers. I left them at home, in my mudroom, the next town over. I am not going to the gym in knee-high boots. So I am going to go home and do things there. This causes another problem. I am not going to want to do anything when I get home…

But I am going to try either a walk or an online video. I may opt for the video so I will sweat more and my doctor specifically said that I need to work out for 45 mins that causes sweat for it to work with my PCOS. So that is what I will probably do, that and it is still rainy and gloomy outside.

What is wrong with me?

Today has been a tough day. I decided to weigh myself for some reason, and learned that the few pounds I had lost two weeks ago are back. I really have not lost any weight in over a year. I the last few days I have been off track with taken my medication. I feel myself becoming more and more depressed about my life and where I am heading. Which at this point is no where! I am finding less and less time to work out, and find myself make poor food choices. I cannot seem to find anything to motivate myself, and find more and more reasons not to do things. Even when I tell myself that I am not going to give into temptations, I always find myself doing so.

I thought I had found the motivation I needed to become the person I am meant to be. But I guess I haven’t. I thought this blog would help me stay on track more, but I do not think that it is really. Sometimes it makes me feel worse knowing that I am going to write another failure.

I need someone to hold me accountable in my own daily life. And while I could ask my sister, I have a tendency to get mad at her when she tells me not to eat something or to do something. So I could ask a friend, but none of my friends have the same schedules as me, so that will not work either. I am finding more reasons to be discouraged than to be positive lately.

The waking up early and going for a walk before work is not working out. Monday I was to exhausted from my trip to Connecticut to get up early. Tuesday I had a funeral to go to, so I was too sad to get up and go out. Then this morning, I did get out of bed and my sister was going to go with me, but I felt it was too dark to go out and unsafe, as we live in a very sketchy neighborhood. So more failures.

I am planning on doing yard work after I get out of work today, but there is a chance of rain. So that may not happen. I did bring my workout gear to work if it starts raining before I get out I will just stay and use the gym here. (Yes I write my blog at work in my down time) If it starts to rain after I get out of work the goals with be to either go for a walk any way, water will not kill me, or stay in and do a workout video. So we will just have to see about that the day brings.

As for food, I do not do the shopping in my house. That is my sisters job. Yes, she does do a good job, but as she is also the chef in the house she mostly buys for herself. Which again is fine, I cannot complain as I am not a fan of cooking in the least. But I think that this may be the next change. Starting to go shopping with her, and starting to make dinners. That and pre-planning my lunches. Maybe even making them ahead of time! Wouldn’t that be great! I would not have days like today, where I was so down in the morning that I did not bring any food whatsoever. That means another day of school cafeteria food! ( While they would like the world to believe that the food they are serving is so much better and healthier for students now, it is still shitty (pardon the language). But hey that is how I feel today anyway so why not add to it!)

I have also gave myself a goal/reward. If I Lose When I lose 10 pounds I can go and get my hair redone. It already needs to be done, so I feel like it might just be the motivation I need. That is my hope anyway.

I am also thinking about adding a daily food journal to my blog. Another way to keep my honest, and conscience about what I am eating. But we will see. Baby steps, Becca, baby steps.