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So far this week I have had ups and downs. It started with my receiving an email from Torrid (the plus size clothing store). They are doing another Model Search! This is the third time they have given this opportunity to becoming a face of Torrid. In the past I have been told, by my mother of all people, that I should apply but I never felt that I was good enough. So this year when I received the email, I decided that I was going to apply. And I am so nervous about it. I am more nervous about actually getting into the top ten than not getting in at all. But we shall see. I will know in September if I actually got in!

Than there was yesterday… So first off at the school I work in, my students are taking a health class. And we are talking nutrition. Which is great! I want my students to know about how to eat well, and stay healthy. What I do not like is that I feel singled out by the teacher. It could be that I am just sensitive to the subject and think that everyone is trying to let me know I am fat and need to lose weight, or it could be that the teacher is judgemental and is trying to give me a hint. Either way I am not comfortable in class. So uncomfortable that I felt that I needed to comfort myself with … you guessed it Food! I ate MacDonald’s yesterday ­čśŽ And I really enjoyed it but then the guilt set in like usual. That and I ate Ice Cream, chocolate and an open bag of Veggie Straws. I did go on the first bike ride I have been on in years that I did not hate every minute of it. I actually cannot wait to go again!

So It has been an up and down week so far, and I am going to try to do better the rest of the week. Which I hope I can do, especially since I am chaperoning a trip to Six Flags on Friday with the chorus from my school. I am very excited to go, but nervous about how I am going to eat on that day. But we shall see…

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Hope you all have a fantastic day!

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What to do with Rough Days

So for the past few days I have been very down. More down than normal actually. And it wasn’t some fast acting depressed day, I think it has been creeping up on me for a while. I am normally a happy exuberant person, but lately I have been moody and grumpy. I think all of the stress I am putting on myself is the cause of all my problems. (Oh look more stress again!) I have all these goals for myself. For my health, personal life, and ┬áprofessional life. There is nothing that I do not want to change. And nothing I do is working.

My health first of all, may be the most important thing to be worried about. While I am doing well on my medication for PCOS, that is when I do not forget to take one or two of the four a day dosage that I need to, I still feel like I am not doing enough to help myself. I know I have talked about his before, but I still cannot find time to exercise as much as the doctors want. I am dreading going to the doctors next week to tell them again that I have not lost any weight since the last time I was there, six months ago. I have become more regular, but there is no other changes besides that. I have not lost any weight in over a year! Do you know how depressing that is! I feel like I am trying hard, but nothing is coming from it. Which of course just makes me want to stop, and eat a piece of chocolate cake my sister made at 11:00 at night while I watch Grey’s Anatomy, and not feel guilty about it. Well not super guilty, but a little bit. And by a little bit, I mean waking up this morning feeling crappy about myself. But I am trying to stay positive. My friends all tell me I am perfect as I am. That I am beautiful, and that I am curvy in all the right places, that they wish they had curves like me. But I know they are being nice. I even have their significant others tell me/them that they cannot believe that I am single because what a “great” person I am and how “beautiful” I am. While I know they think that makes me feel better, but it really doesn’t. It just makes it more obvious┬áto me that if I was thin/thinner I would be able to find someone, but because I am not I am probably eternally single…

Which brings us to the second point. How I am trying to make a change in my personal life. The first step to that is really the starting to take online dating seriously. Sort of. I have a fear of meeting people online. I have heard to many horror stories. Of which I belive I have also talked about in a different entry. Anyway, I did take the leap and bought a six month subscription. That being said, I am not a fan of the site I am using. Because I would like to find someone who has the same beliefs that I do, I am on a Catholic dating site. Which makes it hard, because there are very different types of Catholics. From none practicing, hypocritical, average, and super devout. And there is really no way of deciphering which is which. I feel like I am an average Catholic, but from what I can see on the site, most if not all are on the side of devout. That and only one person has gotten in contact with me in the month I have been on it. While I know that the first person who talks to me is not going to probably work out, I still expected to have more communication than nothing. I think the site can be updated and more user-friendly. But all in all it is very discouraging. Which just brings me back to the first issue of my weight. The whole reason I started this blog in the first place. It also doesn’t help that none of my friends have anyone they could set me up with. They are already in a relationship or not good enough for me. So I am stuck in this hard, contradictory place. Everyone saying that I am perfect as I am, and society and its members saying otherwise.

The last reason for stress, is that my full-time job is in and of itself very stressful. I work at a high school as a paraprofessional. So I help students with learning disabilities throughout the school day to pass classes, get work done, and hand in work on time. I am constantly stressed at work. I do not work with hard students perse, but they are disrespectful all of the time and that can wear people down. And that is the point I am at right now. I argue and get sassed all day long. Day in and day out, and I can feel and see myself changing because of it. I used to be this happy-go-lucky person, and in the last three years I have become more cynical and short-tempered. I went to college to be an elementary school teacher, and graduated one of the top of the class. But when I went to take my teacher certification test I failed it. Not only did I fail it once, but another three times when I went to go and take it. Each time I got better, but after taking a test that will “change your life” and you cannot pass it, it really wears down your confidence. The last time I went I missed it by one point. ONE POINT! So I got the first job at a school I could find and took it. My dream is to work with kindergarteners, so working with students nine grades above that age is taking its toll on me. There are the few students who really make be feel like I am doing good, but the majority is making me realize that I am not the kind of person who can work with high school students. It is not helping them or me. So the plan is to try again. And I am Terrified! I am stressing beyond belief, and I have not even made an appointment to take the test yet. This of course is not to say that I hate my students, I do not! I do care for them, they just have been brought up to believe that they are the center of attention and that their every little need and whim is the most important thing. And when you are in a room of twenty who almost all have that mentality, it can be very emotionally draining.

And on top of all of this, we have not seen the sun in over three weeks. It has been cloudy and rainy every day since Easter. And it is physically hurting me at this point. And the few times that the sun has made an appearance it was only for a few minutes and always while I am at one job or the other. Talk about Mother Nature being cruel.

All of these things came to the forefront this week because of a talk with my mother. I love my mother and we are very close. While we live in the same town and see each other multiple times a week I still call her to chat. At the moment she is actually on vacation with my father, so she is not physically here. So I FaceTimed her. Moms have this magic power. I do not know if you have ever experienced it. They know something is wrong even before you do. I was just called to chat and see how their vacation was going, and it turned in to an emotional breakdown on my part. We were on the phone for almost two hours. She could just tell something was up, and with just a few words I was crying and telling her all my worries. Her suggestion is was to only worry about the important things and recognize all the good things that have happened in the past year. How I need to make myself happy before I can worry about others. How even though I have not lost weight I am trying to take care of my body, and to look at how far I have come from the beginning. That to take my life in to my own hands. To go for my test even though I am scared. (Study first, of course) Get the job I want and deserve and get out of the one that is killing my personally and who I am. And the rest will follow. She told me not to dwell on the things that I cannot change, and let God.

So as hard as all those things sound, that is what I am going to try to do. Try and hope for the best. I got up today and in the spirit of trying I got all dolled up for work. I do have a tendency to go a little overboard with my clothes, hair, and makeup but today I do not care what other people think I am going to do what makes me feel good. So today is a red lipstick kind of day with blue winged eye liner and Rosie the Riviter hair. Hopefully this will spark a more positive and up day/week/month/year.

Mistakes…

So I gave in last night. I had a fried chicken sandwich and a Poutine for supper.. If you do not know what poutine is, it is this amazing Canadian dish, made with french fries, cheese, and gravy. Sooo good, but also Sooo bad for you. But I was honest on my calorie count and added it all in. Even with that I was still not over my count for the day. Which surprised me. I did not starve myself all day so I could save up my calories to eat it, but I still have a little over a hundred calories left. I hope I am doing this right. Anyway, it was really good, but I need to start making better choices about my food intake.

I had planned to workout last night when I got home from my second job, but of course by the time I did get home I was to tired and in pain to do so. It had not been busy at the restaurant, but I did have to clean and defrost two of the Ice Cream Freezers and transfer about 40 five gallon tubs of Ice Cream around to do so. All on top of actually doing my job. So I did have a workout in a sense. But I have a hard time counting what I do in my job as a workout/exercise. Because if it was i would not be in the state I am in. I have worked at the restaurant going on 10 years in September. And if what I do as a job did make a difference, I have never seen it.

I am hoping on going for a walk after school today with my sister and the dogs. That is if the weather holds out on us. All it has been is rain and cold and mist. The only time the sun comes out is to then set, and make people want to go get Ice Cream. Oh did I mention that the sun only comes out when I am at the restaurant working. Yep, every, single, time. That can get kind of frustrating. So when I am not working the weather is not condusive for me to go outside and get a workout in.

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What is wrong with me?

Today has been a tough day. I decided to weigh myself for some reason, and learned that the few pounds I had lost two weeks ago are back. I really have not lost any weight in over a year. I the last few days I have been off track with taken my medication. I feel myself becoming more and more depressed about my life and where I am heading. Which at this point is no where! I am finding less and less time to work out, and find myself make poor food choices. I cannot seem to find anything to motivate myself, and find more and more reasons not to do things. Even when I tell myself that I am not going to give into temptations, I always find myself doing so.

I thought I had found the motivation I needed to become the person I am meant to be. But I guess I haven’t. I thought this blog would help me stay on track more, but I do not think that it is really. Sometimes it makes me feel worse knowing that I am going to write another failure.

I need someone to hold me accountable in my own daily life. And while I could ask my sister, I have a tendency to get mad at her when she tells me not to eat something or to do something. So I could ask a friend, but none of my friends have the same schedules as me, so that will not work either. I am finding more reasons to be discouraged than to be positive lately.

The waking up early and going for a walk before work is not working out. Monday I was to exhausted from my trip to Connecticut to get up early. Tuesday I had a funeral to go to, so I was too sad to get up and go out. Then this morning, I did get out of bed and my sister was going to go with me, but I felt it was too dark to go out and unsafe, as we live in a very sketchy neighborhood. So more failures.

I am planning on doing yard work after I get out of work today, but there is a chance of rain. So that may not happen. I did bring my workout gear to work if it starts raining before I get out I will just stay and use the gym here. (Yes I write my blog at work in my down time) If it starts to rain after I get out of work the goals with be to either go for a walk any way, water will not kill me, or stay in and do a workout video. So we will just have to see about that the day brings.

As for food, I do not do the shopping in my house. That is my sisters job. Yes, she does do a good job, but as she is also the chef in the house she mostly buys for herself. Which again is fine, I cannot complain as I am not a fan of cooking in the least. But I think that this may be the next change. Starting to go shopping with her, and starting to make dinners. That and pre-planning my lunches. Maybe even making them ahead of time! Wouldn’t that be great! I would not have days like today, where I was so down in the morning that I did not bring any food whatsoever. That means another day of school cafeteria food! ( While they would like the world to believe that the food they are serving is so much better and healthier for students now, it is still shitty (pardon the language). But hey that is how I feel today anyway so why not add to it!)

I have also gave myself a goal/reward. If I Lose When I lose 10 pounds I can go and get my hair redone. It already needs to be done, so I feel like it might just be the motivation I need. That is my hope anyway.

I am also thinking about adding a daily food journal to my blog. Another way to keep my honest, and conscience about what I am eating. But we will see. Baby steps, Becca, baby steps.

Trying to Stay positive

So I got some sort of bad news yesterday. Well not bad, but disappointing. I had applied for a new job, one that would be perfect for me. Well I have been waiting to hear back from them for two weeks, and I had not heard anything. So I called yesterday to check on the progress and if they needed anything else from me. I was then told that they had decided to not fill the position and that they may not even fill it next year due to budget cuts. Needless to say I was then put into quite a funk, that I still am not out of. I tried not to put all my hopes on getting the job, but I guess I did. Now all I want to do is sit at home with a tub of ice cream and binge watch everything on Netflix.

I never thought I turned to food when I was down, but I am learning fast that I do. After I got the news yesterday I did allow myself to order a side of double breaded onion rings “to make myself feel better”. It tasted delicious and I did share them with my co-workers, so I did not eat the whole order by myself. It did not make me feel better. So now I have to find another thing to look forward to. I have a big trip coming next year, but that is over a year away and is not close enough to make me focus on it. So now what?

I am thinking about finally finish getting my Teaching Degree. I am so close and just have to pass a few more tests to get it. But the last four times I have gone I have not passed them, so even there I am discouraged and have lost the will to try.  But I am trying to get up the will to do so.

So remaining positive in the rest of my life, while trying to remain positive about being healthy, is going to be hard this week.