Tag: weight loss

May 30, Day five

Breakfast:

Dunkin Donuts Veggie Egg white flat bread

Dunkin Donuts hash browns

2 cups of coffee

Snack:

2 chocolate chip cookies

strawberry parfait

Lunch:

Whole wheat taco with salsa and sour cream

Snack:

Double chocolate Ice Cream

oatmeal cookies

Dinner:

Pot Roast

Late night snack:

Tomato soup

garlic bread

Feeling Better?

So after the decision to apply for the Torrid Model Search, I have felt quite the change in my mental attitude. I feel happier and more confident. And it is a great feeling! I do not know what was stopping me from not feeling this way about myself sooner! Now all I have to do is keep up this feeling. I have been tracking all of my food, doing quite a lot of walking over the weekend, and feel great. (Even if I stayed up way to late last night watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix last night)

It has me thinking about confidence and how it plays such a large part of who we are and how we act. How while I hate it when I get told I should have more confidence in myself I hate it more when I realize how right people are when I am. I feels amazing not questioning myself in what I do, what I wear, and what I weight. It is defiantly a feeling I do not want to forget anytime soon.

I just hate how it is so much easier to say that you are going to always be confident than it is to actually always be confident. Like yesterday, looking in the full length mirror, I felt awesome! I was decked in Red, White, and Blue for Memorial Day and I was ready to take selfies-for-days. But then I took the selfie and all I saw a small head over huge shoulders and gigantic boobs. My high was instantly over. I posted no pictures, that just seconds before I was asking my sister to take to post a OOTD photo. Haveing confidence in so hard to gain and so easy to lose. But I have to remember that all the work to get it is worth it.

So be confident even if you do not feel it or think it is possible. I may not always work, I sure doesn’t for me. But I have to belive that it gets easier, that it will be better. We have to try.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

EEE-Boy

So far this week I have had ups and downs. It started with my receiving an email from Torrid (the plus size clothing store). They are doing another Model Search! This is the third time they have given this opportunity to becoming a face of Torrid. In the past I have been told, by my mother of all people, that I should apply but I never felt that I was good enough. So this year when I received the email, I decided that I was going to apply. And I am so nervous about it. I am more nervous about actually getting into the top ten than not getting in at all. But we shall see. I will know in September if I actually got in!

Than there was yesterday… So first off at the school I work in, my students are taking a health class. And we are talking nutrition. Which is great! I want my students to know about how to eat well, and stay healthy. What I do not like is that I feel singled out by the teacher. It could be that I am just sensitive to the subject and think that everyone is trying to let me know I am fat and need to lose weight, or it could be that the teacher is judgemental and is trying to give me a hint. Either way I am not comfortable in class. So uncomfortable that I felt that I needed to comfort myself with … you guessed it Food! I ate MacDonald’s yesterday 😦 And I really enjoyed it but then the guilt set in like usual. That and I ate Ice Cream, chocolate and an open bag of Veggie Straws. I did go on the first bike ride I have been on in years that I did not hate every minute of it. I actually cannot wait to go again!

So It has been an up and down week so far, and I am going to try to do better the rest of the week. Which I hope I can do, especially since I am chaperoning a trip to Six Flags on Friday with the chorus from my school. I am very excited to go, but nervous about how I am going to eat on that day. But we shall see…

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Hope you all have a fantastic day!

May 23, Day two

Breakfast:

Two pieces of whole wheat toast with cream cheese and raspberry Jam

Snack:

1 banana

1 serving of Veggie Straws

Lunch:

1 slice of meat lovers pizza

Afternoon snack:

1 vanilla soft serve cone with rainbow sprinkles

Open bag of Veggie Straws (again I ate more than a serving size)

Dinner:

1 MacDonalds Quarter Pounder

1 Medium MacDonalds Fry

Half a medium Dr.Pepper

Late Night Snack:

a handful of Hershey Kisses

a salad with salami, feta cheese and Italian dressing (I know a meal not a snack)

May 22, Day 1 food log

So this will be my first Food log.  I am going to be as honest as I can with it, even though sometimes it will hurt.

Breakfast:

5 whole wheat french toast sticks with maple syrup

1 6oz strawberry parfait with granola

Lunch:

Nothing

Dinner:

1 hamburger with cheese, mustard, ketchup, and relish

5 potato wedges

Snack:

1 spoonful of Chocolate Caramel Meltaway Ice Cream

1 Spoonful of Half and Half soft serve Ice Cream

7 Hershy’s Chocolate Kisses

Late Night Snack;

Sat down in front of the TV with a bag of Veggie Straws and did not keep track of how many I ate at all….. 😦

What a weekend and week!

So it has been a little while since I posted. It has been a very long week for me. It all started with the busiest day at work. I work ten hours straight with no break and ended up being in so much pain because of it. My feet were swollen for two days! But I made good money from it, which is nice. I felt like I was hung over the next day because of how sore and tired I was, but that did not stop me from working both jobs on Monday and Tuesday.  I am a sucker for pain I guess.

I finally had a day off on Wednesday. I had an appointment for my PCOS with my Endocrinologist out-of-town, so I took the day off, from both jobs even! It was my six month follow-up. And can I say it went so GOOD! My doctor was impressed with my progress. I had magically lost six pounds since my last appointment (I do not know when, my scale had not told me such at home). My hormone levels are becoming more even and my menstrual cycles have been regular. The only thing he said was he really wants me to get in more excercise. And if you have been following me and reading my previous blogs, you know that has been a struggle for me. But I am still going to try. I got a new bike, summer is coming, and the weather is finally getting nice. So I am hoping to get out more.

I think I am actually going to talk to my friends and sister to start hiking on our days off. Not big mountains or long trails, just smaller less than a day things. And maybe once school is out and I will not have to work earlier than 10 am I will finally be able to get in some morning exercises! Won’t that be exciting!

So I know that I had promised myself that if I lost 10 pounds I would get my hair done, but I am in a dilemma. On my scale it says I have lost like maybe two pounds, but at the doctors they said I lost six. At my last appointment my scale and the doctors scale was the same so I am more inclined to believe the doctors scale rather than mine. Which means that I can either get my hair done or by my movie when I lose four more pounds! YAHOO!

Oh and I think I am actually going to start posting a food diary, in the hopes that I will keep my honest and on track. I will probably start doing that on Monday of next week, as I am going out-of-town for my little sisters graduation this weekend. Party Time! So excited for her, and for her to get my gift! It won’t be in until next week, but I will be totally worth the wait.

Hope everyone has a wonderfully fantastic day!

What to do with Rough Days

So for the past few days I have been very down. More down than normal actually. And it wasn’t some fast acting depressed day, I think it has been creeping up on me for a while. I am normally a happy exuberant person, but lately I have been moody and grumpy. I think all of the stress I am putting on myself is the cause of all my problems. (Oh look more stress again!) I have all these goals for myself. For my health, personal life, and  professional life. There is nothing that I do not want to change. And nothing I do is working.

My health first of all, may be the most important thing to be worried about. While I am doing well on my medication for PCOS, that is when I do not forget to take one or two of the four a day dosage that I need to, I still feel like I am not doing enough to help myself. I know I have talked about his before, but I still cannot find time to exercise as much as the doctors want. I am dreading going to the doctors next week to tell them again that I have not lost any weight since the last time I was there, six months ago. I have become more regular, but there is no other changes besides that. I have not lost any weight in over a year! Do you know how depressing that is! I feel like I am trying hard, but nothing is coming from it. Which of course just makes me want to stop, and eat a piece of chocolate cake my sister made at 11:00 at night while I watch Grey’s Anatomy, and not feel guilty about it. Well not super guilty, but a little bit. And by a little bit, I mean waking up this morning feeling crappy about myself. But I am trying to stay positive. My friends all tell me I am perfect as I am. That I am beautiful, and that I am curvy in all the right places, that they wish they had curves like me. But I know they are being nice. I even have their significant others tell me/them that they cannot believe that I am single because what a “great” person I am and how “beautiful” I am. While I know they think that makes me feel better, but it really doesn’t. It just makes it more obvious to me that if I was thin/thinner I would be able to find someone, but because I am not I am probably eternally single…

Which brings us to the second point. How I am trying to make a change in my personal life. The first step to that is really the starting to take online dating seriously. Sort of. I have a fear of meeting people online. I have heard to many horror stories. Of which I belive I have also talked about in a different entry. Anyway, I did take the leap and bought a six month subscription. That being said, I am not a fan of the site I am using. Because I would like to find someone who has the same beliefs that I do, I am on a Catholic dating site. Which makes it hard, because there are very different types of Catholics. From none practicing, hypocritical, average, and super devout. And there is really no way of deciphering which is which. I feel like I am an average Catholic, but from what I can see on the site, most if not all are on the side of devout. That and only one person has gotten in contact with me in the month I have been on it. While I know that the first person who talks to me is not going to probably work out, I still expected to have more communication than nothing. I think the site can be updated and more user-friendly. But all in all it is very discouraging. Which just brings me back to the first issue of my weight. The whole reason I started this blog in the first place. It also doesn’t help that none of my friends have anyone they could set me up with. They are already in a relationship or not good enough for me. So I am stuck in this hard, contradictory place. Everyone saying that I am perfect as I am, and society and its members saying otherwise.

The last reason for stress, is that my full-time job is in and of itself very stressful. I work at a high school as a paraprofessional. So I help students with learning disabilities throughout the school day to pass classes, get work done, and hand in work on time. I am constantly stressed at work. I do not work with hard students perse, but they are disrespectful all of the time and that can wear people down. And that is the point I am at right now. I argue and get sassed all day long. Day in and day out, and I can feel and see myself changing because of it. I used to be this happy-go-lucky person, and in the last three years I have become more cynical and short-tempered. I went to college to be an elementary school teacher, and graduated one of the top of the class. But when I went to take my teacher certification test I failed it. Not only did I fail it once, but another three times when I went to go and take it. Each time I got better, but after taking a test that will “change your life” and you cannot pass it, it really wears down your confidence. The last time I went I missed it by one point. ONE POINT! So I got the first job at a school I could find and took it. My dream is to work with kindergarteners, so working with students nine grades above that age is taking its toll on me. There are the few students who really make be feel like I am doing good, but the majority is making me realize that I am not the kind of person who can work with high school students. It is not helping them or me. So the plan is to try again. And I am Terrified! I am stressing beyond belief, and I have not even made an appointment to take the test yet. This of course is not to say that I hate my students, I do not! I do care for them, they just have been brought up to believe that they are the center of attention and that their every little need and whim is the most important thing. And when you are in a room of twenty who almost all have that mentality, it can be very emotionally draining.

And on top of all of this, we have not seen the sun in over three weeks. It has been cloudy and rainy every day since Easter. And it is physically hurting me at this point. And the few times that the sun has made an appearance it was only for a few minutes and always while I am at one job or the other. Talk about Mother Nature being cruel.

All of these things came to the forefront this week because of a talk with my mother. I love my mother and we are very close. While we live in the same town and see each other multiple times a week I still call her to chat. At the moment she is actually on vacation with my father, so she is not physically here. So I FaceTimed her. Moms have this magic power. I do not know if you have ever experienced it. They know something is wrong even before you do. I was just called to chat and see how their vacation was going, and it turned in to an emotional breakdown on my part. We were on the phone for almost two hours. She could just tell something was up, and with just a few words I was crying and telling her all my worries. Her suggestion is was to only worry about the important things and recognize all the good things that have happened in the past year. How I need to make myself happy before I can worry about others. How even though I have not lost weight I am trying to take care of my body, and to look at how far I have come from the beginning. That to take my life in to my own hands. To go for my test even though I am scared. (Study first, of course) Get the job I want and deserve and get out of the one that is killing my personally and who I am. And the rest will follow. She told me not to dwell on the things that I cannot change, and let God.

So as hard as all those things sound, that is what I am going to try to do. Try and hope for the best. I got up today and in the spirit of trying I got all dolled up for work. I do have a tendency to go a little overboard with my clothes, hair, and makeup but today I do not care what other people think I am going to do what makes me feel good. So today is a red lipstick kind of day with blue winged eye liner and Rosie the Riviter hair. Hopefully this will spark a more positive and up day/week/month/year.